How the Joker Stole Gotham
by Lauralot
Summary: The story of The Dark Knight, in the style of Dr. Seuss's How the Grinch Stole Christmas.


Author's Note: Despite poetry being my weakest form of writing, I chose a _How the Grinch Stole Christmas _parody for my Christmas fic because I find it impossible to watch the scene in TDK in which the ferries don't blow up without shouting "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store!" at the Joker's reaction. Thus, this fic was born. I hope you enjoy it!

The Joker's age is listed as seventy because that's how many years, as of this writing, that he's been in the comics.

Reviews are always encouraged and appreciated!

* * *

All the people  
In Gotham  
Liked order a lot...

But the Joker,  
A clown who loved chaos,  
Did NOT!

The Joker _hated_ society! Its rules, and its laws!  
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the cause.  
It _could_ be that he found people just too mundane.  
It _could_ be, perhaps, that he was quite insane.  
But I think that the most likely explanation  
Was that into his face was carved a Chelsea grin.

But,  
Whatever the reason,  
His mind or his scars,  
He sat, contemplating, like a dog chasing cars,  
While around him innocents cowered, bound and sobbing,  
As gunfire broke out in the bank he was robbing.  
For he knew the moralistic nonsense Gothamites were fed  
Was even at this instant filling their heads.

"They think they're good people," he growled, spittle flying.  
"That conforming to social construct will keep them from dying!"  
Then he stood, as he thought and shot his driver's spine,  
"There must be a way to make this city mine!"

For,  
Tomorrow he knew...

...The kids of these jackasses  
Would be dragged out of bed and hauled into their classes.  
Whereupon they'd learn lies! Oh, the lies! Oh, the Lies! Lies! Lies! Lies!  
Morals, rules, good manners! The LIES! LIES! LIES! LIES!

The grown-ups would lie through their teeth as they preached!  
And they'd preach! _And they'd preach!_  
And they'd PREACH! PREACH! PREACH! PREACH!  
They'd hide humanity's hypocrisy as they would teach!  
A new generation of liars; the Joker wanted to screech!

And THEN  
The adults would do something he liked even less!  
They'd leave from their houses, clad in business dress.  
The Gothamites, unaware of the clown they were irking,  
Would head for their cubicles, and then they'd start working!

They'd work! _And they'd work!_  
And they'd WORK! WORK! WORK! WORK!  
And the more the clown thought of this monotony,  
The more that he thought "I cannot let this be!  
"Why, for seventy years I've put up with it now!  
"I MUST introduce a little anarchy!  
...But _HOW?_"

Then he got an idea!  
_A violent idea!_  
THE JOKER  
GOT A PSYCHOTIC, VIOLENT IDEA!

He donned his best suit and he sought out the mob,  
Who were less than enthused at the clown's proposed job.  
So he left them his card and he went on his way,  
Knowing they'd call when enough voted yea.

Next he needed some thugs...  
The Joker searched around.  
But the Bat had been thorough; there were few to be found.  
Undeterred, the Clown Prince  
Paid a visit to Gambol, his friend,  
Showed Gambol his scars and asked what he'd recommend.  
Gambol himself had many men at his command,  
As the man bled out, the clown took them off his hands.

NOW  
The Joker had his men  
And he gave them clown masks  
With new uniforms  
As they trained for their tasks.

Then the Joker found a fake Bat  
And they made a film strip  
Saying people would die  
If Batman didn't quit.

Now time to make merry. The clown left a drink  
For the commish, who liked to have one when he'd think.  
A card for the judge, with clues to who'd be hoodwinked.  
Next he made a quick stop at Dent's fundraising ball  
Where he found the Batman in the midst of them all.

He didn't stay long, as the Bat started a row,  
Though he did toss a pretty girl out the window.  
At the next day's funeral, Joker led the salute;  
The GPD was less than thrilled with this tribute.  
One henchmen was shot, Joker saw him fall to the ground;  
But he had to leave now, else he likewise be found!

"Batman must turn himself in!" the Gothamites bawled,  
But in his place Dent, their white knight, took the fall!  
The Joker wanted to play, so he followed Dent's van  
Firing in the hopes of luring out the Batman!  
With a semi, fire truck, assorted guns,  
Through streets and tunnels, they'd hardly begun!

And then the Batman arrived, speeding in his Batpod!  
He flipped the semi, and the Joker guffawed!  
The Bat drove toward the Joker, but then veered away,  
Leaving Batman out cold, in no shape to play!

He touched the Bat's mask; a gun pressed to his head.  
There stood the lieutenant who ought to be dead.

Then they hauled him to jail and they took all his knives  
Leaving him cuffed 'til the commissioner arrived.  
Their talk was unproductive; the clown was left alone.  
The police looked for Dent and Rachel on their own.

A sound from behind and with strength quite grotesque,  
Someone grabbed his hair and slammed him into the desk.  
The Batman stepped out; he had been lying in wait,  
To observe his prey before he'd interrogate.  
He glared at the clown as he rasped, "Joker, why  
"_Why_ are you ruining all these lives? WHY?"

The Joker spoke, though the effort made his head churn:  
"Batsy, some men just want to watch the world burn.  
"When people don't follow rules, why bother to pout?  
"Don't you know that the best way to live is without?  
"It's only my actions now that test your reserve,  
"But I'm not a monster, just ahead of the curve."

Then he told the Batman where he could find his friends  
Though the Joker might have mixed them up in the end.  
And while Batman went to save his latest hook-up,  
The Joker got his phone call and blew the jail up!

Next he went to see Dent.  
He put on a new dress.  
And, having found his new friend in the throes of duress,  
Blamed the Bat and the Commissioner for this stress.

When he made his exit  
Having nothing to do  
He decided to blow up the hospital too.

Now  
On both the ferries  
The Joker placed a gift

They could kill  
The next boat  
Or wait to be blown to bits!

A quarter to midnight...  
They had yet to decide,  
Both the boats still remained  
When the Batman arrived.  
And the Bat, not so merry, was in no mood to chat,  
With the clown's dogs unleashed, he prepared for combat!

With his trusty lead pipe, Joker swung and he struck,  
The Bat fell and, beneath a steel frame, became stuck!  
"We'll miss the fireworks," the Joker said, grinning.  
Giddy with joy, he knew that he'd end up winning.  
"They're down to the wire! I know just what they'll do!  
"They'll set off the bombs in a second or two  
"And they'll all be reduced to a puddle of GOO!"

"That's a sight," said the clown,  
"That we simply MUST see!"  
So he stopped and he leaned down to watch the ferries.  
They floated in silence, the calm before the boom.  
Each passing second brought them closer to doom...

But the clock had reached twelve!  
The boats were still floating!  
This _couldn't_ be right!  
Beneath him, the Bat was gloating!

He gaped down at the ferries!  
The clown shook his head!  
This was wrong!  
They all ought to be scattered there, dead!

No one on the ferries, not the strong nor the weak,  
Had protected themselves from the havoc he'd wreak!

They HADN'T abandoned their morals!  
They'd kept them just the SAME!  
Against all logic, they'd stayed just the same!

And the Batman said, "What did you set out to do?  
"You've only proved no one's as ugly as _you!_"  
They'd waited the time out, risking their own lives!  
Against his explosives, his gunfire, his knives!  
There was no way such a plan could turn out so poor.  
Then the clown thought of something he hadn't before!  
"Maybe there's nothing," he thought, "people are good for.  
"No matter what point you make, they'll only ignore!"

And what happened _then_...?  
Well...in Gotham they say  
That the Bat threw the clown  
Off a building that day!  
The air whipping his hair, Joker fell toward the ground,  
Laughing at his certain death all the way down.  
A Batline caught his leg, hanging him from a beam!  
And the Bat...

WITH NO RESPECT,  
Left Joker for the SWAT team.


End file.
